I hate fridays

The growth journey is always harsh and tough. Nobody will tender you with great care anymore, that's why being a high school kid is always great!! I do not know about others but at least for me it is.

This week, I was in the equity side of the IB. Luckily I am not alone there, another girl in my group is also there (Let's call her X).

During lunch on Wednesday, I was talking to a girl from the same batch as well (let's call her Y). I told her how I feel all this while and I told her how bad it is not to have something to do for the whole week. Yes, what I am doing is actually to draw disgrace to myself. The girl actually said:

"Your attitude sucks. If you are upset, just leave. You know why you are here? You are here in this company is because obviously you cannot get into CIMB or Maybank (top banks in Malaysia as compared to the small bank I am working with)."

After that I talked to X who was also at the lunch table previously. She told me to lower my expectations. Don't expect too much!! Although I promised her to try to lower my expectations, deep in my heart, I was wondering why should I lower my expectation. I am at work now, and all I am asking is to give me work, FEED ME WITH WORK. I am not even asking for a rise in pay or anything. Don't bosses like to pack people with work? I do not feel good at all to sit there and just receive my pay check. Besides, if everyone lower their expectations, how on earth can the company improve and move on? Obviously, I can't do anything because I am just a management trainee. I am very disappointed with the job rotation, which before this I thought it will be very exciting and insightful. I am truly displeased with the rotation. All I can do now is either to quit or work there and keep my mouth shut.

My fridays are always bad. TGIF never applies to me. Guess what, I was crying on my way to the LRT station and in the LRT. I failed to control my emotions again. I'm such a brad!! I could no longer hold my tears and I left my friend behind without even telling her. She is really a very nice and caring friend and I feel bad doing this.

The trigger to such incident was once more due to the feeling on being insulted.

There is another thing that I really dislike this manager is that I told him I am not a money oriented person and he told me not to lie!! WTF, do I need to lie on such things? I know myself more than you know me. You only know my name and my job. I doubt you know about my education and where I am from. I am a very self contended person. I get very happy with all my little improvements in life. As long as I earn enough for a living, I feel good. When it was his turn to talk about himself, he told us he was also not a money oriented person. So now, you can say this, but i cannot!! WTF!!

Then he went on asking what is my preferred department. As I have gained my experience that talking about the fact that I want to get into research will always lead to upset ending, I told him that I don't see the point of telling him because I will never be granted what I wish for. Then he told me must think positive and I ended up telling him. I am such a slut!! I promised myself not to talk about research anymore but I was talking about it again. Then he said:

"Please go home and do a search on those people in the Research Department. Compare your qualifications with them. Come and talk to me if you still find yourself good enough after you compare yourself and them. Even the youngest in the Research department is doing CFA part 2 and bla bla bla.. You see how much hard work they put in, I once interviewed XXX and we talked for five hours...."

When I finished listening what he was talking, I was already teary. I felt very insulted and hurt. If my heart is made up of glass, you will hear it shattered. Obviously, to them, my qualifications is shit and worth nothing. I might be only suitable for them to wash the toilet. Nobody treasures and look upon ANU qualifications. All my double degree, double majors and minors with two professional qualifications are only just some rough papers that are prepared to be flushed down the toilet bowl. They treasure unknown local universities certificates than ANU. I felt sorry for ANU, myself and even for them.

Have they ever give us a chance to shine? Have they ever test on our capabilities and strengths? Have they take the effort to nurture us? I believe in 99% perspiration, 1% inspiration. Don't ever look down or disregard anyone in the world. You never know what is their potentials and strengths. One day, he/she might be even more successful than you or me.

Did I ever say I am not willing to put in effort? Did I ever say I am not willing to do CFA? Did I ever say I want to go home early? Did I ever say I give up easily?

Don't assume anything on me when you don't know me!! Yes I know it is difficult but I am working on it. I am trying my best to know more about the market by reading all types of newspapers everyday and all research reports available in the market!!

To be honest, I have given up on the company. I never give up things easily, but for my first time I am giving up within 1 month. Although I look down on myself for doing so, I can't help it at all. Both my mind and heart tell me to give up. Despite all these, I will continue working until I find a new job. Till then, I will just treat it as a work, nothing more than that. I will finish every task assigned to me but I will never ever talk about research anymore or even take the effort to do more. I am not giving anyone, any more chance to insult me further. I am setting up my protection shield so I don't have to amend my broken heart everyday. I don't want swollen eyes everyday when I wake up anymore. I am fed up with my current life. I want a change. Maybe I am just not strong and tough at all. Maybe everything is just my problem. I tried to rise up from the valley by reading all types of self motivational books. It just did not happen. So for now, I am going to do research by my own and no longer put hope in the company. I am to move on!!

Once the interviewer asked whether there is at a moment I felt sad in my life, I was very proud to tell her no. But if now you ask me is there any decision that made me felt sad and regretful, I can tell you

YES, that is working with my current company. You learn nothing and get insults more than encouragements and 'suck it up' is their slogan which I think really SUCKS!!